Friday, 29 January 2016

Bad Behaviour in Children


Son is being very quiet, You, the parent goes looking for him. Parent finds son in the bathroom, squeezing toothpaste all over and spraying cologne. Parent "Stop that! Put that cologne back! How many times do I have to tell you not to play with the toothpaste and cologne!" Son looks at you defiantly and squeezes more toothpaste out. Parent reaches out and grabs the toothpaste from son, and smacks his hand. "Nooooo!!" Son throws the cologne at Parent. Parent yells "we do NOT throw things" and grabs the cologne and smacks it down on the counter. Son yells back and hits parent. Parent goes "That's it! you're getting a spanking!" *spank* "You do not use things that are not yours" *spank* "When I tell you to stop, you stop" *spank* *spank* We do NOT throw things and we do NOT hit!" *spank* *spank* *spank* "Now go to your room!" Son goes to his room wailing after the the spanking.

1 hour later:

Son is pulling things out of a cupboard.
"STAY out of the cupboard! Put those BACK." Son ignores you and continues pulling things out. Parent goes over to son and says "Put those back NOW!" Son says "NOOO!!" Parent grabs son's hand, puts a thing in it, and shoves son's hand toward the cupboard. "Now put it back!" Son throws the thing at Parent. Parent says "We do NOT throw, now put that back." Son throws another thing at Parent. Parent smacks his hand. Parent says "Put it back now, or you're getting a spanking." Son yells no and hits Parent. Parent goes *spank* *spank* *spank* *spank* now put it back. Son, upset and crying, puts the things back. Parent glares at Son and says, "Now stay out of there or else!!"

1 hour later:
Daughter is playing with a toy. Son grabs it and tries to take it from Daughter. Daughter protests and holds onto it. Son says "LET GO NOW" Daughter doesn't let go, and protests more. Son hits daughter's hand, daughter lets go, and then cries, since she lost the toy, and hits his hand. Son hits Daughter harder and yells at her, "I want it! It's my toy!!" Parent comes over to Son and Daughter and goes "Son, what is wrong with you! DO NOT HIT YOUR SISTER!! How many times do I have to tell you we do not take what isn't ours, we do not yell and we do not hit!" *spank* *spank* *spank* *spank* "Now go to your room!"

That son is quite the brat, isn't it? He's going to be a problem child and an even bigger problem teenager when he grows up. He's just always hitting, his parents, his siblings, and now his siblings are copying him too! He's probably going to end up being a horribly violent person. That Parent has tried so hard to teach him that we do not take things from others, we do not throw things at people, and do not hit people. This Parent is trying to teach Son not to do take, yell, throw, and hit, but Son isn't learning very well. WRONG.

Unfortunately, Parent has forgotten one very important thing about parenting. The biggest influencer of behaviour, especially of a young child, is modelling. Children model their parents, all the time, in almost everything. Son, like all children, is actually a very very good at learning to copying his role-models.

Son, has learnt that when someone does something that you don't like, you are to speak aggressively and/or accusatorily to the person. If someone has something someone else wants, or thinks they shouldn't have, again, speak aggressively/accusatorily to them. If that doesn't get the results you want, you escalate and get more aggressive and yell at them. If they don't do what you want, or give the thing up, go after them, take it from them, with aggression if you have to. If they protest, or try to refuse, hit them. If they continue to protest, and if they yell back, hit them harder, again and again until they submit, or until you feel it's an adequate punishment.

You see, this, is exactly what the Parent has done to the Son. The Son is very good at modelling his Parent's behaviour, and this, is exactly what Son has done to Daughter, and also to some extent, back at Parent. It seems that Daughter, and any other siblings, are beginning to "copy Son" but in actuality, they are copying Parent, and then, to a much lesser degree, their older sibling.

I don't agree with your discipline methods, and I think there are better ways. But I can't stop you. But I can say this:

If you are disciplining your child in this manner, that is definitely up to you. However, remember this when you get all frustrated about your child's yelling and hitting and aggression: the only thing they are actually doing are copying YOU, copying YOUR BEHAVIOUR as their role model, as their parent.

Make of that what you will.